I STEPPED OUTSIDE OF THE FRONT DOOR OF MY OWN HOME ONLY TO FIND THE DEER THAT TRIED TO KICK MY ASS LAST YEAR STANDING RIGHT THERE IN MY FRONT YARD. BOLD AS BRASS.
AM I NOT SAFE ANYWHERE ANYMORE
for those of you who were not here last year: this deer is the most obnoxious, unnatural red-orange color I’ve ever seen, only appears when it’s raining, and once chased me a quarter mile through the woods. her name is Hot Cheeto Hatred and she is my nemesis
So two firefighters came into my store this morning. Now, we get firefighters in the store once in a while, probably because our complex is perpetually setting off the fire alarm, and every time they show up my whole team fawns over them like they’re walking sex gods and I don’t really Get It.
But y’all. Two firefighters came into my store this morning, and I Get It. Because that woman was so goddamn attractive, with her dark eyes and her muscles and her strong hands and her charming smile and her casual confidence just lounging around like she owned the place and a;dlfghadfghdfg I have never looked at ANYONE and immediately stopped breathing but y’all it HAPPENED. This woman was so stunningly handsome that I literally cannot tell you what the other female firefighter in the room looked like beyond “I think she was blonde.”
But you know what, I’m BoH so I didn’t have to talk to the stunningly handsome firefighter, and that was fine. I minded my business and tried (and failed) not to look at her. Until the next guests came in, and I said “Hi, welcome in!” reflexively like I’m supposed to.
And this firefighter. She looked at me with this cheeky little smirk, and she said, “Hey now. You didn’t welcome me in.”
And instead of saying something coy, or charming, or clever, the words that actually came out of my mouth were: “Well, you’re very attractive, and it threw me off.”
Y’all she chuckled and she WINKED AT ME. And I’m pretty sure I died on the spot.
She was so charming that I didn’t realize until an hour later that she wasn’t wearing a mask and I’d forgotten to be annoyed about it.
So today I get to work and my boss hands me my paperwork and… a lighter. A nondescript blue plastic lighter, which I flip over a couple of times looking for initials and then, not seeing any, I ask, “Whose is this?”
“It’s for you,” my boss says, with that look on his face like he’s trying not to give away the punchline of a joke.
And y’all, it’s relatively early in the morning. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately. I haven’t had my coffee yet. So forgive me, because my dumb gay ass asks, “What for?”
Which it turns out is exactly what he wants me to ask, because he says with a big grin, “Heard you wanted to get someone’s attention at the fire department.”
All day long at regular intervals he points out flammable objects around the store.
can someone please explain how it’s possible that every single month this year ended as quickly as it started and yet this whole year has felt like an eternity
🔊🔊🔊
This is what a Attwater’s Prairie Chicken looks like when he is trying
to impress the ladies. I believe at the end he is stating what a bad
dude he is, but that could just be my interpretation 😂
And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child,
and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say
anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris,
I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want
you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m
so fucking crazy.”
